Unfollowing a Narcissism Therapist
Many years ago, I worked for a company that was helping to build a GIS (Geographic Information System) data store aggregating land title information from land surveyors to be used by the Saskatchewan Government. I loved the work.
My role was to combine survey information that sometimes had conflicting evidence due to acceptable margins of error in the technology used or even human error. I found I had a knack for aggregating conflicting evidence and compiling it into the most accurate representation of what the land claims were. My manager, an experienced Land Surveyor, called me a digger, which was a compliment, saying that I would tenaciously dig deeper to seek the true evidence others missed.
I’m applying that same core ability to understand narcissism due to a relationship where I was hurt by one.
As I’ve watched videos, read articles, and followed narcissism specialists online, I’ve found subtle variations in their language to represent narcissism. I’ve also found scientific papers that are less than 10 years old that dig deeper into subtle variations regarding narcissism. A Communal Narcissist type was only identified in 2013.
I’m finding that the material from far too many talking about narcissism precedes the newer content. I’m calling the older material classic narcissism. The newest theories are not being combined into legacy definitions.
The other issue I’m seeing is that narcissism is now being described as a spectrum between someone with no narcissist traits and those with a full-blown narcissistic personality disorder that may or may not be diagnosed. Too much content describes those close to or at an NPD level that might even be on the sociopathic spectrum like Donald Trump.
They focus on extreme symptoms rather than the underlying core of the condition that I feel is being missed.
One specific professional I greatly respect, Dr Ramani has done an excellent job of saying that we don’t have to consider a diagnosis of narcissism. This tricky definition requires a professional’s review of a narcissist to describe narcissism. That we can describe people as being narcissistic in the same way we can describe them as being a pessimist, selfish, or a multitude of behaviors.
She is the only professional I’ve experienced with a calm, rational approach that is not vilifying narcissism or narcissistic enablers. Like me, she has compassion and empathy for narcissists as people harmed by negative experiences growing up. That pragmatically, we can’t have a healthy relationship with them, so all we can do is avoid them when possible or deal with them as best we can when we can’t break away because they are family, a coworker, or even an ex-partner you share children with.
Even in her excellent content, I think the true core of narcissism is being hidden by focusing on symptoms.
Months after being discarded by a woman who had been traumatized during her childhood and youth by some horrible experiences, I realized that I had been in a relationship with a covert narcissist. Dr Ramani would describe her as a “Cheerful Narcissist”. If any reader here met my ex, they’d love and adore her as I did, not realizing that inside her is an immature broken child that has built a pseudo-self to hide her inner shame and pain that has never healed.
Deep down, we all see that hurt child and want to protect her, yet she won’t let us. She’s hurting herself with a lifetime of shallow relationships without intimacy, self-love, or acceptance.
Soon I will share articles proving my ex is a covert narcissist without naming her. At a glance though, her symptoms will not match the classic definition of a narcissist described by so many professionals unless you dig deeper.
As I did an inventory of my life to see if other narcissists were hiding in plain site, I found a few. I also eliminated a few, and that led to an epiphany.
This 6 Signs of an Emotionally Immature Adult article will help you understand how I see a narcissist.
Sorry that it is behind a paywall if you don’t have a Medium membership. They only allow you to read a specific number of articles per month.
The six signs are:
- They have a fragile ego
- They have a high sense of entitlement
- They can’t take responsibility for their mistakes
- They are averse to commitments
- They can’t handle their emotions
- They crave validation
I have someone in my life that qualifies as emotionally immature. I’ve experienced others that are immature. If you look closely, that list could be used to describe any narcissist, except there is one key difference! Compassion and empathy challenges.
The person in my life that is emotionally immature has tremendous compassion and empathy. It’s real. It’s why I would never call her a narcissist, despite how frustrated it can be dealing with her immaturity. My ex-girlfriend, whom I wanted to marry, is emotionally immature. Sadly though, she also has issues with genuine compassion and empathy. It’s there, however, at a rudimentary level.
The Non-Professional Definition of a Narcissist
A narcissist is an adult that, unless you get close to them, appears normal. It takes time and circumstances to experience their immaturity, which lacks genuine compassion and empathy.
Grandiose, malignant, vulnerable, or any other definition of a narcissist has behaviors with that common foundation. Underneath it is a child in an adult’s body. They are more dangerous than a child because they are more powerful, and those that are covert can hide in plain sight. Like any child, they can be charming and fun until you trigger immaturity.
In my opinion, if professionals focused on narcissism want to educate the layman, and combat narcissism, to end the generational cycle of narcissism, they have to focus on that core foundation of immaturity, which lacks genuine compassion and empathy.
