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The Daughter I Nearly Had and Lost
I’m honored to have two sons I adore. At the time of writing this article, one will soon be 18, the other is 20. Both have a level of self-awareness and self-acceptance many adults don’t achieve. This article is about a little girl that wanted me to be her father.
I always wanted to be a dad. I had a father, not a dad (another article) however, I watched and learned about successful dads so that I felt when I became a parent, I’d be well prepared. I even did some babysitting in high school which was usual for a boy to do in my era. A litmus test throughout my life was how easily children trusted and connected with me.
I know to be playful with them, how to be authoritative, and keep their respect. I speak to them as future adults, without being condescending. My son’s friends love me and say it to me in person. I’m proud and delighted about that. That they respect me despite our age gap.
I fell in love with a woman who has mental health issues that she has hidden from everyone. Early on I suspected this and it was confirmed as I was discarded three times in our relationship. Long after the relationship ended I discovered who she really is.
One of her two daughters was the daughter I nearly had.
As I fell in love with the mother of the little girl in this story I felt she might be someone I could spend the rest of my life with, she made it clear that if marriage wasn’t on the table, it was a deal-breaker. This meant at some point I’d have to get to know her two daughters, one thirteen, the other ten.
She had not told the girls she was dating. She had started online dating a year before meeting me when she told her ex-husband she wanted to separate before they had moved into separate homes. Before the girls knew that their lives would be forever changed.
Her girls nor her ex-husband knew I existed ten months into the relationship when I was discarded over a trivial disagreement that was a result of tension created by her girl’s mental health issues. Both were resisting honoring the 50/50 custody agreement. I had been told both were suffering from anxiety and low self-esteem (including eating disorder issues) that were attributed to just being young girls as well as the separation.
She told me the reason the girl and her ex-husband were kept in the dark is she feared a hostile reaction from him. That the girls would be upset even more by knowing their mother was dating. That her ex-husband being upset would upset the girls.
Of course, once I was revealed, he was fine with it and you’ll read more about the girl’s reaction below.
From what my ex-girlfriend said, they had had a picture-perfect life before the separation without seeing any substantial fights or arguments between the parents. I noticed though that the girls seemed to be coddled. That there were likely pre-existing mental health issues preceding the separation based on what information I was given about their behaviors at home.
They seemed very immature, insecure, selfish, and filled with anxiety. I wondered why and asked her if they had ever tried hurting themselves or attempted suicide when she told me about their eating disorders. I only received a vague “I don’t think so.” response. I sensed the subject was taboo.
No attempt was made to get the girls counseling. I even had trouble getting her to engage in discussions on the topic or to read or review online materials about their conditions.
My questions would soon be answered and I was the only one asking them.
In January 2020, just before the world reacted to COVID, her youngest daughter refused to go to school due to her anxieties. She had had some minor conflicts with fellow students. Wasn’t really fitting in. Her friends were few and also had mental health issues. She was not taken immediately to a counsellor. The behavior was tolerated.
No serious effort was made to address the issue, only a vague story that through the school or her family doctor they’d get on a waiting list for help. My pleas to discuss the subject or use online materials provided by our government and schools were always ignored. This little girl just stayed home alone even though she was only 10 years old.
In the 9 months since our relationship had started the girls were down to only a few nights every two weeks at their father’s despite no serious concerns with his parenting. Apparently, they didn’t like going because he was grumpy and messy. They had to share a bedroom.
The reasons seemed superficial, however, their reaction to going was hysterical tears and crying that would leave their mother upset for almost a day. She always had trouble recovering from this. Her reaction seems as overly intense as the girls.
They felt closer to their mom, who didn’t hold them accountable for any behavior at her home. I’d hear stories about them taking each other’s or her stuff, then losing or damaging it. The girls were even messier than my teenage boys. At their mom’s, she worked hard to keep it clean on her own.
When the youngest girl stopped going to school, she stopped going to her father’s. This meant that because the girls didn’t know I existed, I could not see the woman that wanted to marry me. Our relationship was in jeopardy with no resolution in sight.
When I tried to work through the issues by engaging with my future partner, it created tension that led to my being discarded just before Valentine’s day in February 2020.
She couldn’t accept feedback or any questioning of her parenting which was the children first, including their every whim even before herself or her relationship with me.
After being discarded just before COVID started, I was very worried about the girls even though I’d never met them. No one was seriously concerned about their mental health.
My youngest son had been diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder and ADHD years before. I had become knowledgeable on the subject. I knew there were many red flags and my concerns were brushed off by their grandmother, their mother’s best friend who had the training to identify these traits as danger signs for future issues.
In order to get closure and attempt to get help for the girls, we remained friends. I offered to pay for her to see my therapist which she couldn’t afford. My offer to pay for counselling for the girls was rebuffed with her saying she’d wait for them to see a pediatrician which was months away to then get referrals to see psychiatrists.
Either before the breakup or shortly thereafter, we discovered the girls had figured out that I existed. They even knew my name. Despite this, during a texting session in March of 2020, because I was never allowed to call when the girls were at her home, she acknowledged that the girls had shown signs of mental health issues even before the separation. She was starting to believe they needed help.
My steadfast support and friendship led to her asking for a reunion.
In late April or early May 2020 nearly a year after meeting my future partner, I was allowed to meet the girls with my boys. My boys always knew I was dating. I keep little from them. We are very close.
We spent an hour or two together close to my home in a quaint touristy village. The girls kept their distance. They didn’t talk much and avoided eye contact. The older girl obviously didn’t want to be there, however, the younger girl who wasn’t going to school watched us intently when she didn’t think we were looking.
My boys and I put on a show with or without an audience. We kibitz with a great deal of joy and playful banter. We do this on our own, at home or in public and we did it with the girls we were just meeting. All three of us are authentic, genuine people that smile and laugh easily.
My oldest son is gay and non-binary. He came out at 14 and never hid it from anyone. Not his family, friends, or classmates. Both girls knew this and it would factor into our future relationship with the younger girl.
I eventually learned that the meeting was a turning point in the life of that lovely ten-year-old girl.
We were invited to attend the youngest daughter’s birthday party in May 2020. COVID restrictions allowed it as a small group. I was not concerned because we were all following precautions carefully.
Once again, the boys and I were our goofy selves. The older girl and her friend effectively ignored us, the young daughter then turning eleven once again watched us carefully, smiling at our antics.
Shortly after that party, the older girl hurt her hip practicing her modern dance at home. An emergency trip to the hospital was required. What happened next was astounding.
I got a text from my girlfriend asking if I could drive the hour to their small town from my home to sit with the younger daughter, at the younger daughter’s request. She didn’t want her dad. She didn’t want her grandmother. She didn’t want a family friend.
I wasn’t sure why the father couldn’t take the older daughter to the hospital, however, I was so proud of being asked and as a caring supportive person, I accepted.
This time, this anxiety-ridden, shy little girl, actually spoke with me a bit. She was at ease. She made eye contact. We had a lovely visit. I thought, well her older sister might not want to accept me and my boys, however, I knew I’d been trusted by one of the daughters.
Shortly thereafter, she told her mom, that she wished I was her father! I was stunned, proud, and concerned. Why would this little girl so quickly bond with me? Yes I’m very authentic and people have always felt at ease with me quickly, however, this seemed too quick.
Another important event occurred. This lovely little girl admitted she was gay. I think seeing my openly gay son had led her to finally open up to her mother and family. She also said she adored my boys. That she wanted them to be her brothers.
It was clear to me that my boys were having a positive impact on this young girl.
Sadly though, at about the same time, it became apparent that the older daughter was now showing more signs of mental health issues. She had OCD and finally admitted she had attempted suicide the summer her parents separated in 2019 as well in the summer of 2020 when I was first dating her mother. I was not surprised. I suspected it.
The problem was now the girls were rarely going to their fathers. I was not welcome at the home due to the older girl’s wishes and because she was seen as so anxiety-ridden by her mother, it was felt my being there would create more stress. Was it intentional? Only they know.
So the younger girl wasn’t getting much time with me and my boys.
There was no substantive movement or effort to get mental health support for the girls. Yes, they were on waiting lists, and yes there were discussions with the family doctor or pediatrician with the girls rarely attending. The girls were effectively allowed to do what they wanted and continued to be coddled to avoid creating anxiety.
I offered to pay for private counseling and it was refused with my girlfriend saying the girls would not go. Effectively they did as they pleased.
The oldest daughter was eventually diagnosed with severe somatization issues and irritable bowel syndrome all self-inflicted due to her mental health and attributed to psychological problems. These more intense physical issues started after my boys and I were potential additions to the family.
For the next six months, no progress was made to combine our families. little progress was made to help the girls. The older girl did finally agree to see a counselor that had helped my youngest son. My girlfriend had now been seeing my therapist at my expense when encouraged to do so. She had adamantly resisted at first, feeling I was the problem, not her.
The youngest girl was still not in school after more than a year. I was still very worried about the girls as well as my now ex-girlfriend who had been diagnosed with severe depression just after Christmas 2020 when her oldest daughter had yet another suicide attempt.
Finally in March 2021, due to tensions created in our relationship related to the girls I was discarded again over a minor disagreement.
Instead of moving on, I needed closure and I wanted to make sure the girls got help. I stayed friends and finally found some online articles that resonated with my ex-girlfriend that she was suffering the effects of childhood trauma.
Almost from the beginning of the relationship, I always sensed I would be discarded so although I saw this woman as a future partner, I was ready to be rejected. Although it was hard, I was moving on because I had been mentally preparing to do so.
I got pulled back in and was asked to reunite again a couple of months after our 2nd breakup. She told me she was finally ready to commit to the relationship.
Both girls were getting some medication which was helping their conditions and the older girl had stabilized. It was unsaid, however, it was clear that my boys and I were still not welcome. No real progress to combine the families was made, although I did get to see the young girl who wanted me to be her father more often.
I don’t think the girls ever knew about our past breakups. The youngest wouldn’t be so lucky the next time.
The final time I saw this lovely little girl who had wanted to be my daughter I knew deep down I would likely be discarded for the 3rd and final time. Despite giving my girlfriend a promise ring, she was holding back. The words of commitment were just words. Not actions.
As always, if I wasn’t perfect, or asked for anything for myself, I was met with frustration and anger. I was the only person building bridges.
In July 2021, I spent an afternoon alone with this charming sweet little girl. I had found out by now that she feared all men. Other than her father, I was the only man she could be alone with. That she chose to love and respect.
As we sat and had ice cream together she looked me in the eye, something she rarely did since she was diagnosed with high-functioning autism. She once again told me she loved me and she wished I was her father.
She might have been resting her hand on mine. I can’t remember. I was so overcome with emotions. I told her, I was honored she felt that way. That I would love to have her as a daughter. I then said that she still should love and respect her real father. I shared a story that my father wasn’t a dad, that I wasn’t close to him, and, that I had had other family and men that were father figures to me.
We had a discussion about having a quality connection and about being able to discuss deep feelings together. She said she felt so close to me. I said, “I thought you were really close to your mother?” Her reply was, “My mother is really nice but …” and her voice trailed off with a wistful look on her face. I knew what this delightful little girl was feeling. That despite all the time with her mother, they really didn’t talk.
It was a lovely moment in time. She was glowing, and so was I.
Due to the actions of her older sister which triggered a disagreement with her mother, I was discarded for the final time, on August 17th, 2021. I offered to remain friends with that lovely little girl, however, I don’t believe that offer was shared with her through her mother. I can’t and won’t reach out without permission.
Tears are in my eyes thinking about her. Wondering if I’ll ever see her again. I know I will never be her stepfather. That I won’t get the chance to help her grow and gain confidence with my influence as I had done with my sons.
I still have a card she made for me by hand. I still have the littlest pet she hand-painted to represent the dog Peanut I share with my ex-wife whom she adored. The image in this article is the two artifacts of what might have been.
I will keep them as treasures forever. To remember the little girl that I wished was my daughter. That I still love.
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